Hiden Feelings

Just let me leave ...

sometimes i think of slitting myself. . and cutting up the parts of my body in pain..

many times i said u could be stronger then that... and everything is possible..

but i onlie fell greater , even greater then wat i expect

my life -
Anger
Fury
Hatred
Misery
Disgusted

why dont u just let me die...
i hate this feeling .. i look at my self and then my tummy , it's almost driving me to the verge .. i am almost insane .. it's upsetting me way too much ..
i need to learn to be independent and leave everyone behind me .. i don't want any one to see me like this any longer.. i cannot endure it any longer..
to me the best way is to leave.... i wish i can no longer suffer from this ..
the pain is way too much for me to take ...
all i could felt is pain and toture..
where are all the laughter..
if they did why they didn't last
i hate punching my tummy .. i realise the pain more then what i can take .
slience is what i sick .. i wana remain as slience as i can be ..
not trying to run away from the fact that i am still in pain.. i must face this over and over again .. isn't there any cure
i really hate being like this ...the anger in me .. is overcoming myself..
so i cannot be myself any longer.. i need to stand strong ..
i wish i could just drift away ... and disappear..most of the time it didn't work ..
i hate telling the truth .. to any one ..
will any one bother if it was the truth ..
will they still remeber i am a bullimic ..
and recently i just started vomitting again ..
i would not want to go through the expense.. its way too much cost..
i wish i could be happier .. suppressing my emotion .. is no longer effective any more..
i wonder did i accidentally .. punched my stomach too hard .. that now it's hurting me more..
maybe i have broken one of the blood vessels... or maybe i really need a scope ..
can i pretend to be healthy ..
can i put a smile on my face and shout i'm alrite.. don't bother ..
all in all ,everyone will forget what used to happen will happen again ..
reoccurence i call that...
it isn't easy to forget anything it was never easy..
i realise i am still be .. i think i would be better off alone then dragging on so tightly to everyone dearest to me. ..
i want to see them ..leaving me . happliy..
i don't want any one to suffer with me ..
i think it's true everyone has their own past bad expriences ..
i can never get rid of this because....
it's always there..

u can now have all the things that i cannot give to u .. fuck it .. man i seriously .. don't like the feeling of insane and beyond.. cureness... it's always starting with one thing .. it has to be the stomach .. what in this world am i suppose to deserve this .. tell me.. it's gets me fucking fraustrated. . and beyond secure..
realli wana take a blade and slit open my stomach ... letting be bleed every inch ... and die in vain ..
this i anger i cannot handle...
i hate it .. i just hate it ...
i cannot shit just for 2 days .. then i am like going crazy ..
i put on a lil weight it's driving me insane .. what's worse ? what can u feel in this world like what i feel.. i dont understand i don't belong i don't exist ...
i am so scare that i am going to collaspe.. i am so scare my tummy is making me so upset and i am so sad .. i am so fat.. WTF is wrong with me ..

humans..
they have their own instincts and feelings
but when it comes to expressing themself it's a total different thing..
why ...is that so ..
why is it that when we see a new born baby .. we could just break down all our defeneces and proect the baby from harm.. without even thinking the baby .. is evil ..

hahaha. i did it .. this time .. darn style i tink .. but i hope i am not a burden to the class u see..
i rather mean my fyp grp .. everyone is so busy with their stuff .. who would care about me .. even i am a low end student.. yeah never wanted in this course.. but it didn't matter much now .. i'm on my way .. call it attitude problem or whatever.. i am just reacting in a manner...
maybe that's really atti haha...i wish no contacts with any one = D

yeah i puke again ..the felling sucks though
hmm it just on coming back.. i wish i know how to stop it ...i really wish i could..
enough of u bastard..screaming in my ears.. i will come collect ur soul when ur done ..mark my words..becareful very careful

Keeping something gonig on is it really that tough , or rather so difficult

Today,this very day got a sense of emotional over coming me.Is it something which i can't control at all.I think so too, it's such an sudden outburst. IN my mind i was thinking wTf wTf wtf all the way... why must it be this very day.YEah shit happens anyway but i realli did step on shit.The fury in me is growing rapidly,whenever i try to over come it , it just didn't get any better.Oh well maybe there is something wrong with me .Now i'm crying , for what fuck i do not know and i will not understand .It just like some fucking teardrop rolling down my cheeks.Maybe i am supressing it all too much,far too much for me to handle them at one go.I wan to look on the positive side and go on with my life.i shouldn't be doing this ,too much pain for me to take , just too much.It just a small matter i step on shit , and shit knows my food was ruined and another customer's shit which was none of my business and why is everyone escaping from their responsiblilty ? am i running away from mine too ?
i wana eat but it gets me so angry whenever i see the food around .Or rather i am still grumbling over the whole matter...
Wtf is wrong .. can i have the sense of self control ?
or is too much for me to take ?

First time ,i couldn't sleep at nite,Weird feeling.It's just like ermm around 3 hrs differents and i am wide awake now with a pain in my heart.I could hardly sleep, if i did i bet i cried to sleep.

It was the first test,and both of us failed so badly.I couldn't imagine what will come between us the next time.Suddenly i am back to myself,been trying so hard to protect myself ,all this while i have been protecting myself ,not wanting to get hurt.I would get out of the whole thing first before it actually happened.And now it did,it all felt different,i started crying again.This time my heart hurts,hurts so badly.Never will i want to step into any of this shit again,Damn fucking tired ,no it's just so tiring ....holding back my tears is never easy.This time i got a feeling i am going to cry myself to sleep......